Like every other day at her place, I ended up with a quarrel with mom. I told her to retire, because she wants to, but she can’t because of me. I was most taken back when she said she’d bet I would quit my course of study once it starts to get tough. I’m soft and weak and everything she says and I know. She’s giving me allowance from now on, but I intend to work secretively, she told me she doesn’t want to be my financial backbone once I get a job, she’d rather me do my O’s concurrently instead of get a job. my values and principals are twisted to her, but I cannot blame her when she’s got it right like most parents who cannot compromise a child’s allowance because he can’t kick his smoking habit. Truth is I cannot find the heart to quit; truth is I am filled with guilt; truth being I don’t really care half the time. Mother keeps telling me to read, but I find my stimuli via cable television and music, perhaps I’ve narrowed my horizons by not reading, perhaps I’ve nothing to lose, but not much to gain. Perhaps I think ya a fucking dick if you go to library to spent quality time, perhaps I also wish I could be like that. We’re on extreme opposites, and never could we ever agree on something. I will never be happy with what I have tentatively, it’s never enough but compared to my friends I’m asking for very little. Comparing is bad, but she did compare me with lesser homes where the man of the house supports a family of 4 on a 1.2k paycheck. I obviously haven’t earn the right to ask for more, she obviously doesn’t owe anything to me at this age, she obviously didn’t owe me anything in the first place, my allowance is not my right, same goes to all you 20 year olds who still get pocket money from your parents. Perhaps they aren’t as persistent as my mom. Mother is a fighter and she never gives in. I loathe myself for being such a bastard, I loathe her for being so hard up over my allowance, but I’m still the bastard.